Trapped

Trapped , originally uploaded by A. Fusion.

I'm trying to do more self portraits at intregal times in my life, like a photographic diary. I started off with what I called "My 52 Project" but I found that life just kept getting in the way and I couldn't keep up with it. So I've decided to try and take a portrait whenever I've reached something somewhat major/ emotional. I find it helps me vent off those emotions easier.

I had just moved in with my boyfriend after a short time being together and we were fighting. It was one of those adjustment fights. He's going through a lot right now and it hasn't been the least bit easy for me either. I was feeling trapped in a decision I wasn't sure I'd made correctly. I was worried that it wouldn't get better, that this is how it would always be, and that I was trapped in the situation.

I think photography or art in general, truly helps people vent and work through their problems. What one person can look at and derive a meaning from is completely different than what the person who created it will derive from it. I think that's why art is so interesting to me.

I'm glad to say we're doing much better and I don't feel quite so trapped anymore. We've got a long road ahead of us but we're still on it and still working at it.

<3>

Dedicated to Travis, when we'd decided to move in together:

(c) 2009

A. Fusion

A New Idea for a New Year of Life

Well, I've made a decision on the cusp on my 25th year. It's derived mostly of artistic boredom, but a bit of inquisitive intrigue is mixed in as well. I've wanted to try out the 365 Project, but it always seemed a bit tedious and I knew I'd grow tired of it quickly, although artisticly speaking, it would be worth it to improve my skills, ideas, and techniques. So I have decided to try to do an adaptation of this project:

Beginning on the first day of the 25th year of my life, I will take the first self portrait. This will surely be the hardest as it needs to convey what I feel about being alive for a quarter of a century. I don't have fears of growing old... I am simply in awe of how much time thus far that I have been given. I am also ashamed of how little use I have made of that time. Perhaps this project will teach me about myself, will help motivate me to not only figure out what I want in life, but how to attain it when I do figure it out. It must sound silly - taking a picture of yourself to help you understand who and what you are. If I were simply taking a photo of my smiling face I would agree, but my hope is that I will not provide the normal standard self portrait but try to convey a message with each picture. How this will be done I have not decided. I believe I will work on deciding each week and take it from there.

Now to consider the first picture... How exactly do I feel about turning 25? Strangely I feel a bit of nothingness... a bit of hollowness at the idea. I do not feel that I have fullfilled what I should have by this time. I have no delusions about sociollogical goals that should have been obtained by this point - I merely feel that I have not acheived enough of the goals I had when I was younger. Although our goals evolve and change, as mine indeed have, they still stay the same at the heart of them. Perhaps I will make a list of my incomplete goals and begin finding the route to get to them. And perhaps I have just found the first photo....

Stay tuned ;)

Abandonment

Of my favorite things in this world to view from behind a lens, abandoned buildings are among the top five. There's something so dramatic, devastating, and strangely beautiful in the peeling walls, the haphazardly hanging light fixtures, the machinery left, the discarded papers, and the stretches of dark tunnel like hallways.

It's always exhilarating to get into these locations but I try to keep myself from disturbing anything. I simply want the photographs of some of the building's history. It always interests me to see what was too unimportant to be taken when the building was left. So many small personal affects have been found. Sometimes they'll even leave patient files behind, which I just can't understand.

Here are some of my very favorite captures among my collection:

"Cry Wolf" (c) 2009 A. Fusion

This was an abandoned hospital in CT that we made the trek to. HELP was already written on this wall. It was a tricky catch as this hall was actually pretty much completely dark. I didn't have a tripod obviously, so I tried every technique to brace myself, but each shot blurred. Finally I just threw myself against the wall and snapped. I got it on the first try and ended up with a much better angle than before!

"Empty Promise" & "Tooth Ache" (c) 2009 A. Fusion

These two were taken at the same hospital in CT. For some reason they decided to leave the dentist equipment behind, perhaps because it was already broken and not worth the time and expense to move. It's one of the strangest things I've found so far.

"Escape" (c) 2009 A. Fusion

For some reason, looking through this tiny window into the desolate hallway gave me the feeling of what it could have been like for a patient, being trapped there, no matter if they needed to be there or not. It would still be hard to be held against your will in a facility that lacked personality and smiles.

"Stairway to Heaven" (c) 2009 A. Fusion

Each stairwell caged you in as you ascended or descended to the next level. Although I can see the functionality of these, I couldn't help but feel like a caged animal anyway. It just added to the horror of being held against my will, whether for my own good or not.

You can find more of these at my Flickr or Deviantart pages:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/a_fusion/

http://www.midnitememory.deviantart.com/gallery

Thanks for reading!

Ange